Remember

That's me, the little one on the left.  And Emily is on the right.  The handsome guy in the middle?  Dad. 

He was funny.  Warm.  So charming you wouldn't even believe it if I tried to tell you; everyone loved him.  My dad's just about my age in this photo, 36ish.  I look so much like him.  The eyebrows.  The nose.  The chin.  The hair.  The eyes.  As a kid you are somewhat mortified to look like your parents, but now, as an adult, I am so totally flattered when someone finds a resemblance. 

Loyal and true.  Hilarious, always up for a laugh.  Literate, very very very literate.  He loved poetry.  Impatient.  Quick tempered.  A hugger.  Passionate.  He loved toast and tea.  He collected canes, and other strange things - "treasures" he called them.  He loved music.  All of these traits.....I tell my own kids often about this man that had such a huge impact on who I am.  Just last night, at dinner, I looked at Mia and Luca's small faces, both dirty from a good day of play.  We were all laughing and I said, instinctively, "It's good to be with you."  I then paused and said, "Papa used to always say that."  And he did.  Often.  My kids refer to him as "Papa" and point him out in photos.  They'll ask why he died.  Where he is now.  What he was like.  I always tell them that genes are powerful....they know Papa because he is in their blood. 

It's a day to remember this great guy, with a great big spirit, and the beautiful family he co-founded that is still so totally enamored of him and each other. 

July 13, 1941 - February 16, 2007
RIP RMP 

Things I love this Valentine's Day...

I love these people.  I love getting into bed to read at night with all of us tucked in there tight.  I love when Mia wears curlers and when Luca chooses his footies.  I love intimacy. 

I love this kid.  He tells me I'm cute and we take dumb pictures of ourselves and then laugh when we review them.  I love to laugh.

I love perusing V's pictures on his phone for good ideas of things to read.  I love seeing what he thinks is interesting.  I love to be inspired.

I love that I found this book on his bedside the other night and remembered it from his cataloging system on his phone.  I asked him all about it and daydreamed about the author, wondering how his tale ends. I love to think and challenge others to do so too.  

I love this girl.  She and her friends steal my phone and make corny videos and take pictures, like this one.  I love documenting moments and savoring them later - days, months, even years later.   

I love this picture by Mia, of one of her families that lives in her homemade dollhouse.  We took a bookshelf and covered bits of cardboard with old discarded wall paper and slid them into the shelves to act as room dividers.  Mia initially didn't like it because it was "disappointing" she said.  It didn't resemble the fancy dollhouse at the store.  "Ours is cooler" I whispered, my voice hopeful and my hurt hidden.  She grew to love it on her own, with no coaching or coaxing from me, and I love hearing her situate the families and move the furniture around.  I love the power we all have to change our opinions and the great beauty that is born sometimes within that change. I also love the challenge of accepting other's differing opinions gracefully. 

I love my Valentine gift to my tribe.  A homemade chocolate cake with waves of chocolate frosting. We celebrated a day early to accommodate V's work schedule. The kids insisted we dress up so even though I was sweaty, post yoga, I quickly put on a black dress and heels and V wore a shirt and tie.  He made his famous meatballs and pastina and then we dug into this beauty.  I love simplicity and earnest attempts to please those we love.

Love is often not big and loud, or even grand or expensive.  Love is quiet sometimes, silly others, and downright delicious on the occasion.   Love is constant.  Everyday.  All around. 

I try not to let a day go by that I don't find it. 

Happy Valentine's Day!

Things I like...

Do you walk around always saying, "Oh I love that!" or "That sounds so interesting." but then never do anything with those loves and interests?  I mentioned this to V the other day and he pulled out his phone and showed the pictures he has been culling of books he wants to read, albums he wants to buy, ties from store windows that pique his interest.  Just images that inspire.  Leave it to V to have a method of carefully documenting these things. 

Behold, the beginnings of my "I really dig this...." file. 



V and I had a great day date at the beginning of the week which began at a favorite bookstore.  We got coffee and huddled at a small table reading magazines and reviews.  We walked the aisles and I saw this book and read the back aloud to V and mused that it sounded so moving.  He held up his phone and smiled, "Photograph it.  So you'll remember."  Ingenius.  We then mosied on over to grab lunch and split a cocktail. 

Saw this and thought of my niece, Hadley.  An outfit she would wear SO well.  The back reads, "Be courageous." 

Saw this and dreamt of it in my playroom for the kids. 

V brought these home and they inspired me to actually be creative this Valentine's Day.  Actual plans are TBD. 

A lunch Date

It was "Cheeseburglar" day at school and Luca and I joined Mia and her gaggle of friends for lunch.  We all squished onto a long rectangular table and chatted about our weekend plans, what food looks like in our mouths after it has been chewed, recess, and why pickles either rock or are the grossest food ever.  We voted. 

Seeing Mia and her friends so happy and excited was a treat.  The energy was palpable, as it always is in an elementary school cafeteria.  Luca thought he was the coolest thing sitting with the kids, eating and chatting with them.  When the lunch teacher said, "If you can hear me, clap once, Luca clapped loudly and then shushed Mia's buddy to his left. 

Lunch wound down and they lined up like lemmings and poured out onto the playground - skipping and heading to their beloved monkey bars.  I waved goodbye to Mia and she waved back, ketchup staining the side of her mouth and the ratty pink braid she likes to pin into her ponytails skimming her shoulder. 

These are the days to remember. 

School Chums.  And "Cheeseburglars". 

Mia was so proud of Luca, and they stood together in line like this.  No hitting or shoving or screaming.  They saved that for home later that afternoon. 

When we arrived, Mia presented Luca with two pictures she had colored for him during some down time earlier in the day.  He carefully carried them around and was clearly thrilled that Sissy had thought of him. 

Drummer

You know that feeling you get when a great heart pumping song comes on the stereo? (Do we modern people still call it a stereo?  I don't even know these days.  I often feel like a dinosaur.)
 
Well, intensify that feeling by 100 when it's your nephew creating that music that seeps into your veins and causes the blood to quicken. 

We went to his drum concert the other night and it was the greatest sight to see him up on stage with the crowd clapping and singing along.  The lights were dim and I turned to my sister, "Are you just unspeakably proud right now?"  She nodded and said the feeling was pretty great.  Watching children succeed is truly magical.  Watching them come alive.  Watching them do things that so many adults have lost the ability to do....try, maybe fail, maybe succeed, risk, dare, dream, be vulnerable. 

Drum on tiny man.  Drum on.    

A day

This was my view today as I stepped out into the outrageously gorgeous February day.  My blonde boy bounded in between sheaths of even blonder dried grass while his faithful poodle stayed close by.

  

 Luca loves to throw the ball for Bijou.  He stuffs it into his pocket and carries it to the trail, explaining to Bijou all of the paths they are going to cut, all of the adventures they will encounter.  I usually don't bring my phone because I try hard to carve out time that I'm just present, even if that means carefully chewing on a hangnail while the boy and the dog create stories all their own.  I am invited to participate at times and other times, I walk the trail, kicking at rocks and "stand like a guard", as Luca has instructed.  I like staring at the sky, with the sun on my face.  I need that down time.  I need to not feel needed by others.  Or even connected to others.  Just the boy and the dog.  And the sun and the sky. 

But today, today I brought my camera.  I wanted to remember these walks, these afternoons with my boy.

 Today, I had this thought.  I watched Luca call out to Bijou, and I watched Bijou respond happily.  I watched them interact, a language maybe I hadn't noticed before.  Bijou has always been my girl, "my poodle" I call her.  But here she was, Luca's girl too.  This giant mass of black curls is a huge piece of this child's life.  A partner in his childhood.  A friend. 

I realized how I often I feel that this journey is only mine.  My house.  My life.  My husband.  My job.  My friends.  My hobbies.  My Colorado even.  My vast blue sky.  My bright sun.  I watched as Luca grew dirtier and dirtier and it just hit me like a ton of bricks; this was all his too.  All of it. 

His cheeks reddened and he began to sweat and smell like a hot child.  It's a good smell, not offensive at all.  Warm.  Earthy.  Bijou's tongue grew heavy and pale.  It dangled loosely out of the side of her mouth and they both began to slow down.  Over an hour and half had passed, with both at full tilt so I knew things would be quieting down soon.  We all walked slowly home and when we got to the porch, we stopped to carefully pick out so many burs from Bijou's coat that we lost count.  "Bijou got these from our house", Luca said, referring to the house they had made in the tall grass.  The house I hadn't entered because I was guarding from the trail.  Sometimes I guard from pirates, and sometimes from other figments of an imagination. 

I love reflecting on the days at the end of them.  I love stopping to stare at the sky.  I love taking time out to just BE and let those around me do the same thing.  Today was a great day; a sunny one.  A happy one.  I haven't taken much time lately to reflect and I feel it in my bones.  I have felt weighed down, maybe a bit darker.  I'm ready to get back to my lighter roots.     

Luca wanted to take some photos and away he went.  All kinds of blurry shots of the spiny grass.  Blurry shots of Bijou's bum.  Blurry shots of a muddy stream and this one.  My favorite.  A headless Mama poised to just stare.  Just taking it all in.  While we think our experiences are ours alone, they aren't.  We share in each and every one of them.  We are all connected in such a profound way.  Sometimes we just need to tune out to see it.

Looking forward to what tomorrow may bring.