The shirt says it all...

Your daddy does indeed rock Mia. Not only does he do the laundry (as the second picture proves...he took that photo today while I was gone), but he also burns me the best cds to listen to while I drive. I got in the car Sunday morning to find my new cd, aptly titled MEG, ready to play. Every song just confirmed how in love I am with this man. During the opening chords to every song I muttered, he's a genius. V is THE master at choosing music but this disc really floored me. Who else can combine Bocelli, Van Morrison, Dylan (what compilation isn't complete without Dylan?), Johnny Cash, Beth Orton, Wilco, etc. Not only did he simply combine those artists, he chose the songs that I hum while I'm cooking. He chose the songs that I sometimes repeat lines from, wishing it was me that had written them. You know what's funny though? I don't remember ever repeating the lines aloud to V. I don't remember humming them lately around him. That's what makes V magical, he always just knows. The cd actually made me teary while listening to it, because it felt like V was right there in the car with me. It reminded me that music is what makes the world go round. It's what makes you ache during love scenes at movies, it's what makes you feel pretty sipping a cocktail at a bar, it's what hums and purrs in the background as you fall in love, it's how you heal broken a heart, it's how you relive memories with a dad who isn't here and it's how you reclaim moments that belonged to you long ago. V's passion for music just makes him so lovely to be around. I always wanted to be the girl that singers crooned about. I wanted to have a song written for me. I'm so happy though having a song CHOSEN for me. Not just one song either. A lifetime of songs. It makes me feel bad for the girls who just have one measly song to claim as their own. Hats off to you V. For being remarkable.

Take that Rockwell...

Thanksgiving is over. I have that post holiday hangover a bit right now - that feeling that's a combination of relief and sadness. It wasn't as hard as I anticipated it to be, which isn't saying much about the state of my grief because the moments that I dread the most without my dad have proven to be the easiest. It's the little moments that take my breath away, leaving me in a stone solid state of sorrow. It isn't the moments that Rockwell deemed memorable that make me ache, it's the unique and special Roger moments that do so. My dad wasn't so beloved in our family because he could carve a turkey or lead a prayer, like the dads in those oh so famous paintings; he was so integral to us Paddens because he was fiercely funny and equally as poetic. He could bring anyone to their knees with a table grace he thought up only moments earlier while still being silly enough to ask why no one had carved Neil's name in the butter yet (a ritual that came to be when Neil did so years ago). He is just missed. Period. Plain and simple. All of the time. It's getting harder to grieve because it's becoming more real. The weather has turned cold and the anniversary of his last months with us are now here. That's what breaks my heart, remembering every little detail about last winter. I remember standing in the kitchen last thanksgiving after Mia's baptism. I was hosting a dinner for the family and I can still hear my dad saying, "Look Meg. Over here." He took my picture as I was preparing something by the stove. I remember laughing thinking that no one would want that picture, me - complete with post baby weight, hovering over some serving dish. I see it now though as my computer rolls through images and I want to cry. It makes me feel as if something were just cut out of my life, and left to heal.

I do have to say how proud I am of my family. Immediately following my dad's death, my brothers, sister, mom, and, I stood huddled outside the doorway - alone - in a rare moment when we were left to be together, just the 5 of us. The house was filled with people and flowers were pouring over every table. We stood there and said, "We are still Paddens. We're all going to be o.k." I will admit now that I wasn't sure I believed it. I guess I believed it but it was still too raw to even conceive it. Now that some time has passed, I can see the truth of that statement in every single conversation I have with a family member. We are more than o.k. We are more than I ever thought we could be. I am most thankful for that this year. I am most thankful for the people I come from.

My mother in law flew out earlier today and the house is quiet. We had a really nice dinner - a veggie lovers delight. I've mentioned before that my mother in law is a health fanatic. Dinner was incredible. I'm attaching some photos of the weekend, just a few. It's virtually impossible to get Mia to look and smile when the rest of us do. She exists on a 30 second delay. Once the camera is put away, she waves and smiles sweetly. Hoping everyone is having a thanksgiving weekend full of thanks.

Oh, and one more thing I'm most thankful for, the receptionist at Kaiser who told me I looked like Jennifer Aniston. I think she is exceeding her duties in customer service and I told her so. (Notice how a little compliment can really make me quite thankful.)

I'm jealous...

of this girl's curly little head.

Mama Mia

Doesn't every self respecting American with a name like Pellegrino have a childhood photo snapped in a bib that reads, "I'm a Nice Italian Kid"? You can tell by her expression that she is horrified that this photo will ever be shown. Note the sauce smeared on her face. She's making her paisans proud.

We are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Mia's Nonna next week. Having a chef in the house will be a treat. I think she's getting a bit bored of my cuisine. I am too. I need a few new recipes to liven things up around here.

I came home to a stack of mags that my dearest got for me from the library: In Style, Glamour, Bazaar, and a New Yorker for good measure. I always like to read about the current exhibits in NYC at the back of the mag. I pretend that I'm contemplating which one to attend.

Speaking of attending events, I was reading a section in In Style about how to stay "fresh" looking during the holiday season. The subtitle read something like, "How to keep your skin glowing after indulging in too much eggnog and alcohol night after night this holiday season". Ummm...do you all get gobs of invites to parties? I think we usually hit one, perhaps two. I just don't think I know anyone who attends so many that their skin begins to suffer - suffer in fact so much that they therefore need to take serious action with cold compresses and eye gels. Either I'm kind of a homebody or I'm just old. Or both.

I don't think we are going to have our annual party again this year. That puts us off of everyone's calendar now two years in a row! It's just a lot of work and I'm thinking we can't really accommodate kids too well. Perhaps if we move next year, we'll reinstate the tradition. If memory serves, a few of those parties did indeed require some serious skin saving remedies the day after. Maybe I should take note of that In Style article after all.

Trading Places

I have officially kicked Mia out of the kitchen drawer that she likes to sit in. I just knew that a few more pounds would cause it to break. It was sort of sad to put a baking sheet on the ground, the one that used to be in the drawer, and watch her tentatively crawl into it. I thought I could appease her pleas to get back into her beloved drawer by simulating the experience on the floor. You can see by the expression on her face that sitting on a pan in the middle of the kitchen is hardly her idea of a good time. She adjusted quickly though. There are many other little places throughout the house that keep her happy - a basket in her room and Bijou's dog bed being two of them.

Miss Independent

I have decided that independence is something that can be taught, or at least it's something that one can ATTEMPT to teach. I realize Mia is only 12 mos. old but I'm trying to encourage her to play a bit more on her own. It really isn't for my own sanity; I'm staying pretty sane being at her beck and call. It's more for her own well being. I want her to be able to play by herself happily. I have so many fond memories of playing alone. It is a gift to be able to entertain yourself. That quality has served me so well my entire life. I still can hang with yours truly for hours on end and be utterly amused the whole time.

I have been "leaving" Mia for a few minutes at a time to just let her explore and play. I left her in the kitchen while I rounded the corner into the laundry room to clean out the dog bowls and switch some laundry loads. When I returned, this is what I found. (see photo)

Here is my problem with leaving Mia to her own devices! She isn't the type of baby to bang happily with a wooden spoon and a bowl. No. No. She's more the type to crack open the magnetic toy on the fridge and pry the wires out. Independence is something we'll work into slowly. Very slowly.

Happy Halloween - Belated

My idea for a bear costume for Mia kind of flopped. I thought I could reenvision some things Mia already owned to spare myself the agony of standing in line with all of the other parents who hadn't purchased Halloween costumes for their kids yet. You see, very untrue to my nature, I waited to get organized for this holiday. And waited. And waited. I kept thinking a darling little goose costume would magically appear in her closet. Or a turtle. Or a bug. Something. When it hit me that it was too late to go spend too much money on something far too poorly made to be sold at said asking price, I began getting creative. Mia owns a little pink bear hat. I pinned very cute brown and pink polka dot ribbon underneath the hat to tie under her chin. She then wore her little brown sweat suit. Voila. Instabear. I dressed her and she immediately tore the ribbon off, leaving just a bear hat. Or at least I thought it was a bear hat. When we rang by sister in law's doorbell she declared what a cute bunny we had! So much for the bear. When Mia tired of her hat, she cruised around in her brown sweat suit so I changed her costume title. She then became the world's tiniest UPS driver.

Did I mention that I don't love Halloween? I liked it as a kid. The dressing up and candy part was a lot of fun. As an adult though, it isn't my favorite holiday. I guess I'm not into dressing up. I want to be into it but I'm just not. Christmas is more my thing. And Thanksgiving. I like to be warm and cozy. I like rich food and gifts and hot chocolate. Halloween is a much tougher celebration isn't it? It's always cold and a bit ghoulish. Tis the point I guess.

Today was the official last day of my fall break. I had a wonderful vacation. Truly. I loved being a homebody. V and I hung out a lot and I feel so recharged. Ready to return to work. I will miss being with Mia all day but she and I can just jump back into our old routine. I have almost a week off for Thanksgiving and two weeks over Christmas so my vacation time is really just beginning.

Happy B-day again to my most incredible mom! I know entering a new year without Dad is beyond painful. Every laugh, every tear, every smile....you might think it's a moment that he isn't aware of, a moment that he'll never know because he isn't here. What comforts me though is to think that while he may not know the moment we're living in, he knows us, what makes us tick. He knows the sound of our laughs, what makes us cry, and what makes us smile. Love is really capable of bending time and space. When we are all reunited again, it will be as if no unknown moments have passed. So it might be another year that you're entering in conventional time, but what true Padden ever operated in conventional time? We are a people who love beyond boundaries. He celebrated with us.