A song unsong

I'm into extremes; I go from thinking that I will never blog, to thinking about blogging all day. I made the decision to start this because I wanted to write more. Why couldn't I just write in a journal, you ask? I could I guess, but then I'm not held accountable. This way, if I don't post anything for a bit, the few of you out there who know about this will ask me why. It forces me to do something that I've been wanting to do for a very long time, WRITE.

Mia really helped light the fire to begin journaling. When she arrived, I began to feel this need to leave her something of myself. I want her to know my favorite color, my favorite artist, my favorite dress. I want her to know why I fell in love with her dad and why I was heartbroken to lose my own. I want her to know that I can't decide which I love more: the ocean or the mountains. I want her to know what makes me unbelievably happy and equally just as sad. I plan on living a long life - one in which I can reveal all of these things slowly to her. If that plan doesn't pan out though, I want her to hear my voice. I want her to know who I am. So in a way, Mia, this is for you. By sharing all of this with you, I am making it true. You give me a reason to put a voice to things I might not otherwise. Having you breaks a silence I never even knew existed.

The Keeping Quilt

I finally finished Mia's quilt. It's my first step into the world of quilting and I have to say, I'm hooked. There is something deeply satisfying about the whole process. I like the longevity of the final product. I appreciate things that can withstand the abuse of life - things that last. We'll see if this little blanket can do just that.

Drown Proof

There are so many moments every day that I think about my dad. I reevaluate my grief periodically to weigh its mass. I'll check in with myself to see if it's heavy or if it's light. It varies you know - the grief. The depth of human emotion is unimaginable. It's intimidating to think about how deep it actually goes. Just the other day I wondered if I've even dipped my big toe into the dark blue waters of my sadness.

I put Mia into the car yesterday to go for a drive. It was a rainy day and I was in the mood for a pensive hour of soulful music and far away thoughts. Mia, however, wasn't in the mood for such things and that is why we ended up in the car. Babies have a way of suddenly becoming very thoughtful while traveling. We made an agreement that I could mourn in the front seat while she quietly played in her carseat in the back. A song came on the stereo and it hit me. My eyes grew wet and heavy and my throat began to tighten. I let out a little choke and embraced the emotion for what it was - total heartache. I was in the moment of grief and I knew it. That's when I realized that I was indeed in the midst of those dark blue waters I mentioned earlier. I was submerged. Soaking wet. The beauty of it all was that I realized I was swimming though.

Is this thing on?

I have been enviously reading other people's blogs for some time now and I decided that my time has come. The idea of being so open with my thoughts is somewhat terrifying yet exciting too. Is this the thrill that those who have sex in public places speak of? Gross. My fear is that I won't devote any time to this special place. I am a busy mama these days. I have Mia Mia to care for, Bijou to mind, and my dear sweet V to swoon over. How will I fit in yet another thing to do? We shall see how this all pans out. To be continued...